my husband is driving my daughter away my husband is driving my daughter away

That was my guess too. He may think that if she leaves the home then shell be safe from his alcoholism. I am a nurse who works night shifts, and I have a working son, 21, and student daughter 20. my husband and their father died 3 years ago, and I have been working steadily. Theres no excuse for that. July 3, 2013, 1:14 am, Lily in NYC , so i guess it cuts both ways. But the dad is giving the kid homework? If one of them moves over 100 miles away, then the arrangement changes to each meeting half way. Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. We all died laughing. Your Family Doesn't Want To See You Together. 6napkinburger Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. How the States Got Their Shapes for one. She occasionally plays them with her friends but she could care less whether she wins or loses because she doesnt care for them and so she isnt invested in the game. Oh and get this, occasionally, I orchestrate it so hes not the asshole no-fun mr knitknots type, and I do unfun things, like make her come serve soup at a homeless kitchen or walk dogs at the SPCA or help our elderly neighbour do various stuff. lets_be_honest That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. painted_lady Heck, I even had a stringer attached to my waders. lets_be_honest Then she tells me she doesnt wear that anymore and how come I didnt notice? July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! Contact Us. I definitely DONT think my experience and this familys are similar. Maybe shell end up in the entertainment industry, or become a writer. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. A museum or something might be a good start. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. One centering dynamic is to be each other's 'coaches,' and to offer each other feedback and support in managing the kid with the behavior problem." Dealing with your distress, your kid's distress,. Basically, I had never been the kid he wanted, and he eventually snapped and took it out on me. If youre having problems with your husband because of how he treats you or his parenting style, then you need to handle it with him, not by forming an alliance with your daughter against him. Shes driving me crazy and I dont know how long I can take it.. But hes an adult and should show an equal interest in what his daughter likes instead of disparaging her interests and rolling his eyes at her. When you did actually accurately zero in once in a while, you may have thrived enough on the intermittent reinforcement to hang in for subsequent disappointing rounds. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. Would I have said, at 12 or 13, Hey Dad, hows about a trip to Home Depot on this fine Sunday? Older and (hopefully) wiser July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. But science fiction and fantasy can deal with the mature themes with a nuanced perspective- some of the stories in Star Trek were written to to deal with historical events like WWII. painted_lady Its so easy to kill that spark in a child, well done to the mum for supporting her daughter in doing what she loves! By myself, though. I have vivid memories of being forced to attend Cardinals games with my dad because my mom said it was important. You just have to learn to ignore that. Settlers of Catan! July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. You dont always get to do the things you want and sometimes have to compromise. You also said that your daughter ~does~ participate in her fathers well-liked activities when he asks (& I do think you can do your part to encourage her participation, if youre not already.). Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. But am I mad at her now? On a side note, two weekends ago I went on a family camping trip. Child Custody and Substance Abuse - Verywell Family Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. He played the songs over and over and he had albums (and still does) and he would play them and copy them to the cassette so we could listen to them in the car together (pre CD times). July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. The LW should do some serious work in building the bond, and working on her marriage, but I would make sure that the dad is putting in just as much effort. July 2, 2013, 11:53 am. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. Here are 5 common ways I unintentionally pushed my husband away. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), . But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. My father would have considered my sister and I uninformed if we held an opinion that he didnt share, even if we weighed both sides and did research on the issue. What to Do When Your Ex Undermines Your Authority My mistake then we read the play and watched the movie, and they went NUTS for the story. He should show her that he can make an effort to enjoy her interests and encourage her in the same spirit to enjoy his. Can Someone Else Drive My Car? | American Family Insurance - amfam.com All rights reserved. If your husband wants a good relationship with his daughter he must first quit disparaging her and her interests and he must quit rolling his eyes. My father only wanted sons, so he decided that his daughters were going to get into sports, hunting, home repair television shows and walks in the woods. Talk about missing the point. Continue with Recommended Cookies. Seriously. Um, Im in my twenties and all my friends like these things. Your husband sounds like a jerk. This sounds a lot like my childhood! These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. What would be the point of responding to him when he would not be the one reading it? For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. No matter what state the person is in, he or she may face criminal prosecution of drunk driving when behind the wheel with a confirmed blood alcohol content of 0.08 percent or higher as the national limit. Act like one. In reality, I think its probably somewhere between the two extremes and I think the LW has a chance to strengthen her bond with her husband and the bond between child and dad. The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. I dont know where that gene comes from I know I dont have it. than it is to have fun with them although you should have fun while doing so. Additionally, she may worry that if she stays in an unhappy marriage like yours, it will damage her relationship with her future spouse. To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. Maybe not, though. I mean, really, isnt that how you build a relationship with anyone? Im not saying that its ok for parents to openly derisively mock their children or laughing at their failures or their humiliation. Thinks hes hilarious). Within a year of this, my dad became abusive. One of my MILs (I am so lucky; I get three, FML) has a serious issue with me I mean epic butt hurt level, because I CANNOT do board games or card games. But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. And then, the next morning, he was an angel and brought me coffee in bed. I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. He showed me culture, gave me an enjoyment of the arts and it was one on one time that was genuine. lets_be_honest Have you read Tumblr recently? 'My husband is a terrible driver. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. But he can be a great dad regardless. And whenever I caught a fish, my dad was the one to do all the gross work to deal with it. So, here is the thing. July 2, 2013, 3:14 pm. My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. July 2, 2013, 11:06 am. Distance In Relationship With Grown Child - Focus on the Family Most of which are tucked away out of sight. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? I would call that well-rounded. I mean when she was a toddler did he demand that the Disney tunes never be played in favor of classical!?! Are any of these familiar to you? "Caught between husband and daughter" - Click And my dad is a veritable warehouse of rocknroll trivia when a new song came on, hed often share a fact he knew about the band (Did you know Rush is a three-person band, and that the bassist is the lead singer?), or tell us about a concert he went to in his youth (hes been on stage with Ozzy, yall, close enough to see the O-Z-Z-Y tattooed across his knuckles), or quiz me and my brother to see if we knew who the band was or what the song was. Did we always get along? Hes a good person, but our relationship as two adults is not a close one and at times feels forced on my end because I still dont know how to be myself around him. If youre not sure how to establish or improve your bond with your daughter, here are five tips: In conclusion, it is evident that a daughter needs her fathers guidance and support, especially during her teenage years. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. Its a source of strength, comfort, and love. I helped with yard work. Definitely. We cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if we are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell us to stop because it annoys him. My inner fan girl is all riled up now =). I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. Really not sure why I waited so long. My plan is to lock mine in the basement and bribe her into going to a local college. If your teenager is starting to pull away, it is important to resist the urge to panic or try to force them to spend more time with you. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. Anytime someone starts a comment with an um, I dont bother reading it because its bound to be condescending. Another possible reason is that hes trying to save his daughter from being hurt, which is an admirable goal. He probably reached Buffy overload YEARS ago and now here it is every morning at the breakfast table. You always give good advice (duh!) Mother of a Fangirl. My partner teaches high school students and they went NUTS for Sherlock this past year. My parents are/were anti-intellectual, though, and wouldnt let me go see ballets, theatre productions, or hit up museums because I was trying to put on airs. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_10',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');You feel yourself in big trouble when suddenly your husband and daughter are caught in the middle of a nasty argument. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. I do also believe that your husband really does need to at least embrace a couple of her interest if he wants her to embrace the things he likes. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. 1. I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. Find a common ground youve got to. A little . Good musicals can be complex and beautiful and again, deal with some pretty mature themes. I made him put on 2 more episodes before we stopped because we HAD to go to sleep. 1. Exactly Lily! I would go on drives to see the eagles, fished, endured Cardinal games and college basketball games. Our differences are what make people interesting. There are a few things that you can do to resolve the conflict between your husband and daughter: if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_12',132,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_13',132,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0_1');.leader-2-multi-132{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:7px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:7px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:50px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}Its a question that many people ask themselves, and it does not have a clear answer. Fruits and veggies are healthier than potato chips thats a fact. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. Get out the frying pan. What makes a person so hard to please or so unwilling to be predictable? Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. I was an athlete and a complete girly girl (still am), so my dad got his sports buddy and princess in one child my sister was not into sports or girly things. I hated sitting through long sports games. He also occasionally went to movies with us. When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. But in general, I lol at people who spit on the nerdy stuff. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. Great lesson to learn from your dad. He's clearly not interested in her and I don't want to look stupid when I ask him. You can look at him as a mean bully, like you do, or an involved father who is trying to raise a well rounded child. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. bittergaymark lets_be_honest No. Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. I forgive you!. If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. I agree, of course people can be smart and informed and still like other stuff too. July 2, 2013, 12:45 pm. That means the communication isnt effective and it may be that your husband has to hear this from someone outside the situation. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. My grandparents have a VHS of her wishing my cousin and I happy birthday. LW, I dont think youre siding with your daughter & creating an us against him mentality; you just seem to be describing how your husbands attitude has made you feel more distant towards him as well. Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. Not from Scranton either! Just because you dont like Buffy and have introduced a bunch of facts that dont exist in the letter (your comment below about what the dad has been putting up with for years!?!) But mom, dont do the us versus him. They gave me a mixtape with a whole bunch of different Beatles on it, and I am still a huge Beatles fan to this day. A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! Most certainly. Hes so dreamy, if not annoyingly alpha-male-y. You might have started asking yourself, Is this person taunting me on purpose? July 2, 2013, 11:03 am. Child Endangerment - a Possibility When Driving Drunk - HG.org My parents eventually got divorced, and I actually think without that, I might not have such a good relationship with my father (who I am much more like as an adult than my mother) or the family on his side, because of how my mom made it us against him when I was little. Im sure he didnt really care about the Anne of Green Gables books or obscure Star Wars characters. a single mom to her as her dad was never in the picture. I second this. July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. They clearly saw that parent as the good guy, and are unconsciously playing out the same part, unable to stop giving even when it cannot be reciprocated. My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. lets_be_honest Cant even describe how much I hate hate hate them!! (even though his tone and demeanor sound indefensively harsh, cruel and mean.). July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. Who knows? How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. I agree with you, again. Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. Your husband and your daughter are both geeks at heart, which is encouraging. On the other hand it takes work for my mom and I to have things to bond over most of our conversations revolve around cooking (her passion that my sister did not pick up) and our dogs (unfortunately our dogs dont get along but we still trade dog stories all day). Ive definitely think Ive learned more from my daughter than shes learned from me. lemongrass Right, but it didnt seem, to me, like Jennifer was allowing for that distinction. Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. 6napkinburger It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Whether it be balance sports with history, Buffy with science, it doesnt matter. I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. I just have to say, I have NEVER felt comfortable choosing what to watch on tv if Im in the same room as my dad because I know he thinks 95% of what Id want to watch is annoying. Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. When Spouses Disagree About Parenting - Positive Parenting Like I said, I consider myself a mature, intelligent adult, yet I read People magazine. Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? They loved it, I hated it. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,, Yep. Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. I think it would seem less like forcing if he wasnt being a dictator about other things I mean maybe if she could listen to her music or a Harry Potter book on tape in the car on the way camping the daughter would be in a better mood , Marjoralynnia Huge!! This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. Because your daughter may eventually outgrow her fangirl phase, but if you do your job right, shell never outgrow being a strong, confident, interesting and interested person. In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. The episode where Picard experiences an entire lifetime with a wife, children, grandchildren etc. I just dont get it. July 2, 2013, 12:46 pm. It should be a crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. This part is simple: You must never let them in a vehicle with this man driving. Husbands can inadvertently drive their daughters away by overstepping boundaries, being too critical, or taking on too much control. July 2, 2013, 1:17 pm. And for your husband to expect your daughter to have more than your own vapid interests, REALLY doesnt make him a bad parent. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. During the summer especially, our kids both have homework that may include working on actual homework-like assignments or getting a privilege after answering X number of questions correctly on our American Trivia game (history, pop culture, geography, etc). He is honest, reliable, and sincere. I literally didnt know that the wonders of Classic Rock existed until I got to college. LW, you and your husband are a team. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. So you need to be more encouraging of her spending time with him and stop acting like a little club. I get that hes probably feeling left out, but thats not cool. lets_be_honest Camping and hiking which FRANKLY are much better for her both physically and psychologically in the long run. Shes all the better for it. In her mind, hes the only man who should be in your life and she may feel like shes losing him if you get divorced. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). No. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. How can I tell my husband he's a terrible driver? I dont see the comparison between telling a small child about healthy eating habits and forcing them to eat veggies and this situation. I just happened to end up having a pretty great kid, and a pretty great guy. My mom is super-duper awesome. He's always putting him down. Why is my husband driving my daughter away?. She grabs every opportunity to be near him but won't actually tell him how she feels. (Kept me sane), Astronomer (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. All other things aside, Im actually a fan of those assignments. I guess I dont know exactly how he does it, but in our house we have things like that but with politics/government because I believe it is truly important to understand our government, how it works, how it doesnt work, and how our beliefs affect our views. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. Amazing job today! For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. You have to admit, its kind of fun catching and reeling in the fish. July 2, 2013, 4:37 pm. I never did the gross stuff either. When I was a kid, my mom was always kind of a dick about going to see my dads family, so it was usually just him and me. No, it may not be the precise thing hes interested in, but you cant just share an interest with someone by demanding it.